I cockslap morals
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Ketchup is God's man juice
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize