The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
