Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
