I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
