you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize