Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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