so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
