dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
