omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
