what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize