meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
