I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
