I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize