now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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