i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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