I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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