I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
