i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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