seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
