do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
