He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
