im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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