i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
