i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
