I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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