So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
i've created a new STD.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
