Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
