She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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