reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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