then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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