sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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