Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
