I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
