I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
