So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
