Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
