I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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