You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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