I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
