I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
