I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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