Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
