I think I won the penis lottery.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
