doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Randomize
