I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
