This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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