It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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