sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
