Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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