Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
