Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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