Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
