The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
