Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
