I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
