my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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