New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
