the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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