Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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