I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize