Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
