Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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