Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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