i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
