its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
