Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
