i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
