ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
